Dear Active Pregnant Woman…

Dear active pregnant woman,

Maybe you’re not as excited as most to be pregnant. Your first thought when you saw the positive test might have been: “how much will I miss out on?”  “I had so many dreams, and aspirations, how will I ever achieve them now?” “I won’t ever be able to be free again.”

I know I thought that. And still do some days. 

I am currently pregnant, and most of the thoughts I have had were how many limitations I would have. Not just during pregnancy, but beyond. 

I grieved hard.

People around me kept saying how this is such a great thing! Why would you be sad about this?? You’re just beginning! You will still be able to do what you love after the baby is born!

Their words were true yes, but what was in my body was grief. That was what was true for me no matter what people said.

So, instead of intellectualizing my sadness when I “should” be happy and excited, I let myself grieve and be sad. I released the shame around being sad about being pregnant by allowing the emotions to move through my body. 

I let my tears clear the air like the first rain after a long and warm summer, there are now smells of fresh soil, signs of new growth, and that feeling of another season being brought in.

After a long hard cry, what was there was so much love. So much love for the life I was living, the life I had created for myself. The person I had become up until this moment. 

I held a mini funeral for myself to usher in a new extended part of me. The tree of me still existed, and a new branch of me was growing upward.

Have all these feelings gone away? Not exactly, but they feel integrated. They don’t feel as heavy. I even laugh at myself a lot more when I get in these gloomy thought patterns!

In the process of feeling into my grief I have not been forcing the old things as much. I exercise when I want, how I want, (no following of a program, but listening to what would feel really good on my body) I have started water coloring, started a pre natal yoga teacher training, and I have been making more time to tune back into learning about medicinal herbs, and planting a medicinal herb garden!

When doors close, it is hard to not go back to the door and knock it down. To force ourselves back in. However, when we let ourselves not be afraid of our grief, our sadness, or even anger, so much can grow from that fertile soil. Things we may never have imagined possible! Opportunities to slow down and go inward are rare in our society, and we may only experience pregnancy once or twice in our lifetime, maybe three! The door that closed can open again, but the time in this new room we entered is a short time frame we get to experience.

Time to tune in, time to feel, time to go into our yin energy.